If you’ve walked through the library recently wearing your Jack Wills gilet and comfiest Ralph Lauren sweatpants then you may find yourself feeling a little bit left out. It would appear that you’re not in Surrey anymore, but have somehow travelled to a land inhabited by bad extras from Saved By The Bell. No, you haven’t just consumed a large amount of hallucinogenic drugs, that boy who turned up to catered halls in a Range Rover really is now wearing a shell suit jacket embroidered with neon coloured geometric shapes. It’s called being edgy, and it’s the latest alternative/actually mainstream craze to hit campus.
The first step in being edgy is recognising the fact that it takes a lot of effort to look so bad. Surprisingly that girl with the unwashed top knot and oversized Adidas jumper did not just get out of bed, drag herself through a bush backwards and then blindly pick her outfit out of a charity bin. Everyone in the library seems to be suffering from a chronic case of social class confusion, so a good way of deciding what’s appropriate edgy attire is to remember what kind of clothes the kids in the token state school in your county wore. The more you used to make fun of a particular item of clothing the better. However before you start shopping it’s probably a good idea to have full access to your trust fund account. Although ten different people have probably worn that vintage jacket since its original owner died wearing it, it’ll still be more expensive than its recommended retail price back in the 90′s.
Boys, it’s time to realise that it’s cold up north and unless you work for Hollister, or are a complete idiot (both mean the same thing in my eyes either way), it’s time to trade in those flip-flops for flatforms. Don’t worry, you’ll still look completely ridiculous either way but at least your feet will be warm. Sadly the Jack Wills jumper you bought in first year doesn’t go with creepers, so make sure to revise all brands of vintage sportswear garms, this knowledge will serve you better than any 2:1. The edgy philosophy is if in doubt wear denim and in order to join the edgy elite you shouldn’t feel constrained to just wearing one piece of denim clothing. Whoever said dungarees are a fashion faux pas clearly was never cool enough to listen to house music and dab MD on the reg, but luckily you are. Unfortunately, no matter how many gold hoop earrings or snapbacks you wear, there is no escaping first year’s Smirnoff Ice induced string of one night stands. People you’ve slept with in the library are like rats, you’re never more than 6ft away from one, so it’s important to always be at your edgiest for the inevitable awkward lift journeys.
Quickly discard any preconceived notions you have about the library being a place to study. Head over to the sociology section and find as many edgy people as you can. Edgy etiquette dictates that you must all then congregate in the silent study section and talk loudly about how you can’t wait to finish exams so you can go and take some dodgy pills, go sidestepping in an abandoned warehouse and listen to repetitive beats. Who cares that your dissertation deadline is next week, the only future prospect with a degree in sociology is a serious ketamine addiction anyway. As with all edgy activities frequent trips to the smoking area are essential. But beware, smoking area custom in the library is nothing like at house nights, no one wants to talk to you and the only person who wants to be your new best friend is the guy who has taken way too much Ritalin and hasn’t slept in four days.
Remember that looking poor and being poor are two completely different things. In case that signet ring isn’t visible enough make sure people know that you choose to wear old clothes with holes in them as a lifestyle choice and not from financial necessity by having a MacBook Pro on your desk. In order to score some more edgy points always have Majestic or Eton Messy’s YouTube channel on your laptop screen, so that people nearby know that you listen to house music. Luckily no one knows that the only real reason you have it up is to perve on the video’s picture of a half naked hot women. Remember under no circumstances should you try and have a sneaky play of Taylor Swift, she may secretly be your favourite singer but no matter how much you protest no one in the library is buying that ‘Trouble’ is in fact a cool new Dubstep song.
Make sure to follow these rules and you’ll be on a first in higher edgycation. Although I cannot guarantee you will pass your actual degree…