Edgy Girl guide: How to fit in at (insert generic university library)

If you’ve walked through the library recently wearing your Jack Wills gilet and comfiest Ralph Lauren sweatpants then you may find yourself feeling a little bit left out. It would appear that you’re not in Surrey anymore, but have somehow travelled to a land inhabited by bad extras from Saved By The Bell. No, you haven’t just consumed a large amount of hallucinogenic drugs, that boy who turned up to catered halls in a Range Rover really is now wearing a shell suit jacket embroidered with neon coloured geometric shapes. It’s called being edgy, and it’s the latest alternative/actually mainstream craze to hit campus.

The first step in being edgy is recognising the fact that it takes a lot of effort to look so bad. Surprisingly that girl with the unwashed top knot and oversized Adidas jumper did not just get out of bed, drag herself through a bush backwards and then blindly pick her outfit out of a charity bin. Everyone in the library seems to be suffering from a chronic case of social class confusion, so a good way of deciding what’s appropriate edgy attire is to remember what kind of clothes the kids in the token state school in your county wore. The more you used to make fun of a particular item of clothing the better. However before you start shopping it’s probably a good idea to have full access to your trust fund account. Although ten different people have probably worn that vintage jacket since its original owner died wearing it, it’ll still be more expensive than its recommended retail price back in the 90′s.

Boys, it’s time to realise that it’s cold up north and unless you work for Hollister, or are a complete idiot (both mean the same thing in my eyes either way), it’s time to trade in those flip-flops for flatforms. Don’t worry, you’ll still look completely ridiculous either way but at least your feet will be warm. Sadly the Jack Wills jumper you bought in first year doesn’t go with creepers, so make sure to revise all brands of vintage sportswear garms, this knowledge will serve you better than any 2:1. The edgy philosophy is if in doubt wear denim and in order to join the edgy elite you shouldn’t feel constrained to just wearing one piece of denim clothing. Whoever said dungarees are a fashion faux pas clearly was never cool enough to listen to house music and dab MD on the reg, but luckily you are. Unfortunately, no matter how many gold hoop earrings or snapbacks you wear, there is no escaping first year’s Smirnoff Ice induced string of one night stands. People you’ve slept with in the library are like rats, you’re never more than 6ft away from one, so it’s important to always be at your edgiest for the inevitable awkward lift journeys.

Quickly discard any preconceived notions you have about the library being a place to study. Head over to the sociology section and find as many edgy people as you can. Edgy etiquette dictates that you must all then congregate in the silent study section and talk loudly about how you can’t wait to finish exams so you can go and take some dodgy pills, go sidestepping in an abandoned warehouse and listen to repetitive beats. Who cares that your dissertation deadline is next week, the only future prospect with a degree in sociology is a serious ketamine addiction anyway. As with all edgy activities frequent trips to the smoking area are essential. But beware, smoking area custom in the library is nothing like at house nights, no one wants to talk to you and the only person who wants to be your new best friend is the guy who has taken way too much Ritalin and hasn’t slept in four days.

Remember that looking poor and being poor are two completely different things. In case that signet ring isn’t visible enough make sure people know that you choose to wear old clothes with holes in them as a lifestyle choice and not from financial necessity by having a MacBook Pro on your desk. In order to score some more edgy points always have Majestic or Eton Messy’s YouTube channel on your laptop screen, so that people nearby know that you listen to house music. Luckily no one knows that the only real reason you have it up is to perve on the video’s picture of a half naked hot women. Remember under no circumstances should you try and have a sneaky play of Taylor Swift, she may secretly be your favourite singer but no matter how much you protest no one in the library is buying that ‘Trouble’ is in fact a cool new Dubstep song.

Make sure to follow these rules and you’ll be on a first in higher edgycation. Although I cannot guarantee you will pass your actual degree…

 

What’s New in the Hipster World

Have you ever walked through the student union and thought that you were in an episode of Saved by the Bell?
Seen as though you have more than likely found yourself surrounded by a swarm of scrunchies and snapbacks it’s not hard to see why, . It appears that everyone has jumped further than Jessica Ennis in order to get onto the edgy bandwagon. For original hipsters like me it is getting increasingly harder and harder to not be swept along the mainstream, and so in a vain effort to keep my edge I am forced into reviving even more absurd fashion atrocities from the 90’s, which should have been left to die an undignified death a long time ago.
Double denim has gone from being controversial to condoned, so if, like me, you find that creepers have lost their edge, it’s time to step up and go to the very edge of fashion. I suggest sticking to the social class confusion of people who went to private school wearing Nike Airs…
Why not try K Swiss? Those hideous tongue-twisting trainers that we used to wear in year 9, so bad that they must therefore be edgy, right? Plus they come in all sorts of cool colours and I’m pretty sure they’re available as high tops… Inevitably, once this catches on, you may have to invest in a pair of Sketchers.

Originally published as a short feature for Leeds Student http://www.leedsstudent.org/

Edgy Girl guide: How to fit in at (insert generic house music night)

So you’ve been invited along to a house music night by some of your friends. After a quick Internet search you find out that, to your horror, the venue isn’t Gatecrasher, they won’t be playing Gangnam Style and there is no 2-4-1 on Blue VK’s. I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, before that the only time I had heard of the word ‘edgy’ was in reference to the outside limit of an object during my private math’s tuition. But after trading in my gilet for vintage sports wear garms I now know that house isn’t just a type of music, it’s a way of life…

It’s imperative that you look the part as house music veterans can spot an imposter better than they can spot an Adidas jumper in a vintage kilo sale. Girls, who cares that it’s hotter than your gap yah in Ghana and that sweat is literally dripping from the ceiling, wear a beanie hat. Preferably one with a made up French sounding word on it so everyone knows you’ve been abroad.  If you pair this with an empty rucksack you’ll be edgier than a dodecahedron. As for you boys get yourselves down to the barbers before hand; the edgy scene will not accept anyone who doesn’t have an undercut beneath that snapback.

You should spend some time brushing up on your house music knowledge before you go so that you know your Detroit from your Chicago (and yes there is more than one type of house music). If you’re growing bored of your two-track house playlist then don’t worry, after all I only amounted my impressive house music collection because of my season in Ibiza (where I saw Miguel Campbell before he was mainstream). However, for those of you who are unfortunate enough not to have parents willing to fund your ketamine addiction for the whole summer, download ‘Shazam’.  This handy app will allow you to impress everybody with your unnerving ability to ID that track. Don’t forget to follow up every song with a fake, edgy backstory of when, where and what illegal substances you were on when you first listened to the song in order to really trick your friends and secure those edgy credentials.

The night doesn’t just start when you get to the club. Pre drinks are essential for every night out, not only those that end in the Student Union. Make sure to start the night with equally discerning edgy company, who ironically are all downing White Lightening even though statistically one of them is probably going to inherit a vineyard in France. Ideally it’s important to stay hydrated in the club, but in reality everyone only drinks Red Stripe and so should you. It may be the most expensive piss you’ve ever tasted, but at least its edgy piss. It’s crucial that you know when to drop; if you come up too late you’ll realize that the cool, under ground house music venue you were promised is actually an abandoned warehouse that smells like sick. Once at the front of the queue you should transform like a young Howard Marks from red brick student into hardened criminal as you smuggle drugs past the bouncers. They may not see that stash you just hid in your shoe, but there is no hiding the fact that your pupils look like saucers. But don’t be worried about the Inspector Norse you’ve heard loads of people talking about inside the club; he isn’t the neighbourhood Police Community Officer.

Once you’re inside make sure that you get as close to the front as possible, this is quite literally the aim of the game. If you’re trading sweat with Ralph Lawson or Morgan Geist than you’re doing it right. Not a lot of people know this but underground house DJs love to receive cryptic requests on your cracked up phone screen. Sadly however the chances are the only two songs you know by Julio Bashmore have already been played and no, he will not play Au Seve again.  Girls, if you’re not trying to chat up the DJ then you should be following the photographer, make sure to get a wide angled lens on that camera so he can capture your jaw in the same shot. You may remember a time when Nike Air Max’s were only worn by the poor, but as a connoisseur of edgy behavior its important to know the difference between Hipster or homeless. The chances are that the boy wearing a flat cap in the corner with ripped jeans is actually 12^th in line for the throne and doesn’t just have to wear second hand clothing because his parents spent all their money on his private school education.

Unfortunately the venue closes at 6am, as even edgy people have to sleep sometimes. Nevertheless if you have taken enough illicit pharmaceuticals that you feel as though you will never sleep again, gather up all the best friends that you just made in the smoking area and head for a house party. Don’t despair if your party medications are running low, there will always a house medic on hand to offer you a repeat prescription. At this point in the night only the edgy elite are left and everybody starts to ‘skank’ uncontrollably around the DJ, presumably in order to forget about the inevitable comedown that awaits them, or the fact that they are white. Once the night starts to wind down and in the spirit of sessioning on make sure there are enough fairy lights in your front room to start an electrical fire and then get more high then Neil Armstrong ever did.

Stick to this and you will have successfully completed your edgy etiquette training.  And remember, Christopher Colombus may have proved the world is round, but it definitely has an edge.

Edited by Alex Sainty

10/01/13 – ‘I was hoping for a white Christmas…’

Main room going offf at Flux

My Christmas holidays began on a huge comedown (standard) as me and my friends hit the last Flux of the year. I know what your all thinking, what the hell is Flux? Well its this really cool, underground house music night in Leeds, I think it might become the next big thing.  On the back of a massive smoking sesh I then had to pack for a week in ‘the Hoff’ (that’s we what us rad Snowriders nicknamed the resort Mayrhofen) and purchase some oversized gnarly garms and beanies. Naturally I’m really good at snowboarding because on my second gap yeah I did a skeason in Tignes.

Me doing some rad tricks that I learnt on my skeason

It was an incredible week of shredding pow and getting drunk at après skiing with the most edgiest society in uni. I’m so lucky I have rich parents that will pay for me to go on both of the trips so that I can go again at Easter! When I got back to Leeds I was pretty tired but I had the arduous task of collecting all my old Jack Wills clothing from the cellar in order for me to change into as I crossed the North-South divide.

More rad tricks

I went to an all girl’s boarding school over in Bucks so none of my old friends live locally unfortunately, however I only ever converse with southerners at Uni who I met in my first year at Bodington (catered blocks obviously), so luckily they all live within the home counties. We all met up and went into London were we got some really good MD of a dodgy looking Asian man in an alley behind Cable. It was so fun side stepping all night.  Apparently there was a world class DJ playing there too, I think his name was James Jones. He was really good.

Awesome pic I got of James Jones behind the decks

I was hoping for a white Christmas, but apparently my Leeds dealer won’t deliver to my house in Surrey so I couldn’t even have any ketamine. I even tried breaking into my horse’s medical supplies but the stable hand caught me. To make things worse Mummy got me a gorgeous Abercrombie & Fitch top for Christmas, but I had to pretend not to like it because it wasn’t vintage sportswear garms like the ones all my friends and me wear back at University.

My horse Theo gets all the good ketamine

Last week I returned to my student house in Hyde Park. Even though me and my friends are all incredibly rich we insist on our house looking like its inhabited by well travelled, heroin users whose love of fairy lights is not constrained to the Christmas holiday period.Being a sociology student I barely have any exams or real work to do so in order to pass some time until the first event at Canal Mills I decided to set up a twitter account.  I just post run of the mill everyday edgy stuff like how I disguise my drug addiction by pretending to like house music, but all of a sudden people are following me and tweeting me telling me I’m hilarious, like they think it’s some joke, parody account. I’m just so misunderstood. The editor of an online newspaper equivalent to the Daily Mail at Leeds Uni then asked me to write for him and I thought why not… However, after some creative differences (#dowhatIwant) and my column not being deemed good enough to be published in such a beacon of high standing journalism (not bitter) we parted ways and I decided to write my own blog, as that’s a pretty edgy thing to do, right? I just hope that through this blog everyone can see my plight and realise how hard it is to be so fricking edgy.

Edgy Girl.

I don’t get why people think my account is a joke…